Day unknown: woke up groggy and extremely drowsy, literally pushed myself out of one bed only to land on another. Maa literally blasted her vocal cords and it is only then when I decided to take my lazy ass out of the bed and get going with my morning chores. I was tired and exhausted (early in the morning).
Being an ambitious woman, I always wondered how it is to have a life without any aim and ambition, without the impetus to do something good in life. Little did I know, very soon I will myself experience that. I woke up and did whatever I had to do with zero motivation, with zero interest and of course with zero liking. I just wanted to be able and allowed to sleep as long as I wished to be. Why? Because I was tired, I was tired and exhausted. I should study, my heart and mind screamed to me. I chose to ignore them.
I suddenly wasn’t any more concerned about being a failure and a loser in my life, it seemed pretty okay to me. I sat on my table, opened my book and I never felt more irritated in my life. Was it the subject? No, never, I opened something that I loved to read. Then what was it that I disliked? I disliked the very fact that it is expected of me and it is right of me to sit and study, it is something I am supposed to do. But I know very well, studying is something I really don’t want to do, at least at this point of time. I want to sleep a long, deep and uninterrupted sleep, because I am so tired and exhausted. Maa asked me to toast the bread for everyone ( she knows how much I love to cook and arrange meals for everyone). Ideally, this should make me happy. But my already forced and fake smile dropped when she asked me to do so. I lied and said I have to study and now I can’t work. No one understands how tired and exhausted I am, everyone just wants me to work.
But what was it that I was so tired and exhausted? What did I do that made me so non-functional? I locked myself up in my room and started scribbling the morning incidents and my remorse and unhappiness regarding everything that happened. I introspected and I came to realise that I am tired and exhausted of trying everyday so hard to be productive, to be efficient in this never ending vacuum that is created in my and everybody’s life because of the global crisis that we are going through. Life is at still, when you look outside, it seems everything is on a pause mode and you are the only one who can move and function, but your function is also limited within the four walls of your cage ( read home). The fact that every day is same, not worse and not better, the fact that yesterday, today and tomorrow has no difference makes me paranoid. My brain and my soul, more than my physical body, is tired and exhausted.
People are dying every day either out of hunger or of the virus, news channels claiming that this war is not ending soon, communal problems just increasing with time, the uncertainty of a good future that is reflected in everything that surrounds us, paints the canvas of my life with colour grey with more amount of black than white in it. Silence kills and silence is killing. It is killing the jovial and vibrant me. As much as I appreciate the improving environmental conditions, I am upset how social distancing is actually affecting our inter-personal interaction.
But then where is the hope? Where is the way out? Who will give us that hope that once again the cassette of our life will press the start button?
That hope, that positivity comes from the will power with which every human being is born in this world. Times are hard and reasons to smile are a very few today, but nothing’s lost yet. The very fact that you are still breathing and is able to spend a day with your loved ones, is a hope in itself that one day all of this will end. It is dark outside but only after the darkest hour the sun rises and in our lives as well, the sun will shine again very soon. We are paranoid today, we are scared and most importantly we are tired but we can’t give up. We cannot fall weak. We can overcome it by planting that seed of hope in our hearts that like all our past battles, with our will power, we shall overcome this as well.
It’s a war between your mind and your will to survive. It’s not a war where you need arms and ammunitions, it’s a war which demands nothing but your optimism and a strong belief that you can defeat this situation and come out as a winner. Gather yourself, tell yourself that you are strong and you won’t be defeated because you are not done yet, your will is still alive, the fire in you is still burning and very soon the canvas of your life will again be painted with colours of joy. Never forget what Dumbledore once said, “Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light”.
Hi, this is Naomi Bhowmick. I am a student and I am currently preparing for civil services examination. Writing to me is very personal. I write only what I feel. My muses, my Inspirations, every emotion that I write about is some or the other way connected to me. So I never call myself a writer, I call myself a scribbler. To write, to me is the best form of expression, and the best way understand someone’s emotions. I definitely don’t aim to be a writer, but writing is something from where I draw my peace, it helps me to stay the way I am and completes me as a human being.